THE WOMAN THAT I AM
I am still slow to getting my travel journals online... Thats just the kind of woman that I am ; ) But onto more serious topics of interest... at least of interest to me... Let's talk some more about me. Ummm... I mean this is the World according to China blog afterall so it only seems natural and right to talk about me... Okay I admit, this is not entirely about me.
Sometimes it seems like you are in a paticular place at a paticular time for a reason... (Or for some person I know... name withheld.. the wrong place at the wrong time- for seemingly no good reason except a lack of proper calendar reading skills perhaps)..... Tonight I seemingly was at the right place and right time for some thought provoking ideas to churn my mind into some pretty deep thoughts... reasoning through ideas and notions... Of course, this time and place would be in my women studies class at school..... and Thank God, I was there and not in a wrong building somewhere as if I were a member of some sort of wandering tribes of collegiate nomads.... lost searching for food, warmth and shelter.. or whatever it is one such person might be searching for.
In my class we were assigned to read 5 different pieces out of a book called "The Woman That I Am".... A couple were poems... then the other 3 were short stories. These were heavy readings.... Coming of Age type of works... From girlhood to womanhood.... Complete with one of the stories being of a young girl who was convinced she was dying... that she had done something wrong.. unable to stop the blood that had begun flowing out from between her legs... Not sure what to do... afraid to consult her grandmother... the girl tried to freeze the blood from flowing by laying herself down in icecubes (this one made me want nothing but a HOT shower... just the idea made my insides shiver!)... She tried to bandage herself... Eventually, her grandmother accused her of having an illegal abortion..... This poor girl did not know what that was either... The grandmother had an expectation for her that the little girl would mess up like her own daughter had done years before. The grandmother resented her granddaughter... however... she seemingly wanted to reach out to her, yet not quite knowing how.....
The next story we had read was called Two Kinds... this was written by Amy Tan who had wrote "The Joy Luck Club"... Another story about expectations that a maternal figure had for her little girl. The mother being a Chinese immigrant had hopes and dreams her little girl could be anything in America.... A child prodigy she soon determined. The young girl began to fear disappointing that expectation.... The mother had become determined to make her a piano prodigy... and sacrificed hard work so that the young girl could take piano lessons. The girl rebelled of course.... tho deep inside the girl had really wanted to be that prodigy her mother always wanted her to be.... But the pressure of that gave way to fear, and the girl purposely gave up.. doing what seemed to be all but trying her best.
I know that you are wondering where is this going? The conversation in the classroom took many twists and turns... as we discussed the cold grandmother who seemed afraid of loving her grand daughter... perhaps because she was too busy... or too fearful of the outcome that love could bring.... To the mother who was warm and full of ambition for her daughter to live vicariously through her..... The last piece we discussed in class was Bell Hooks "The Home Place".. This story offered less of a struggle between mother and daughter... but accentuated the importance of having a safe, loving enviroment.. literally and figuratively... a place to call your homeplace.....
I had went on break just before discussion of "The Home Place"... on my way back from the bathroom I saw a familar face.... Staring at me in the hall was a person I had not seen in many years.... Tricina... known to me as a 12 year old as "Sis". I was looking into the eyes of my foster mom's birth daughter. Some people who are reading may be confused.... For brief explanation.... I was in foster care a couple of years ages 12-13.... details will come eventually... perhaps not too many as these thoughts are not really about that.... but talking with Tricina, I was surprised to realize how much I had grown up.... Sis always seemed soo much older than I.... but as we talked she said she was 33... I am 27 and it occured to me we were closer in age than I would have thought....
She filled me in on details.. like her brother Chance was married... Chance was two years older than me... She continued to share intimate details about Chance... telling me he was married. His wife already had a child from someone else, but Chance had just learned that he could not have children. She proceeded to tell me the doctor said it was from years of wearing his underwear too tight... running around in spandex... Chance had always been very athletic... and he dressed athletically so.
As I returned to class I was not thinking much at all.... till we began the conversation about Bell Hooks story. People in the class began to argue about women versus male roles... and one guy named David made some comments that caused my teacher(I am not kidding) to hiss at him while raising her hands to her head like a cat! As I thought about the opinions going around the room.. I began to ponder the nature versus nurture theories everyone was arguing about.
Suddenly, I began to think about my own beliefs... My own 'Home Place".... I never had experienced a great deal of stability... and I have been working hard to acquire this in my adult life.... The quest sometimes feels soo uphill... Suddenly my thoughts were with Tricina... and how nurture or lack of nurture has played a part in who I am.
I will have to come back and write about this more, but it is late.... and I must get to bed.... but it occurred to me that as I was driving home... perhaps all the things I wish for... all the things I reject as a woman that others consider rite of passage...or just part of the role of being a woman... that I had no Home Place that kept these things sacred... instead these things seemed to be pushed on me, while I did not see the beauty, the importance,the place or value of these things.... Hmmm... as I wrote that it reminds me of Ani singing in Pale Purple "rejecting outfits offered me, regretting things I have worn... while I was still playing roles, in order to fill holes in my conception of who I am....".... It seems the more I learn, the more my opinions change.. which is good.. that is what learning is for... but nights like tonight leave me a bit confused yet smiling... realizing I am really on my way to creating my own "Home Place".
Sometimes it seems like you are in a paticular place at a paticular time for a reason... (Or for some person I know... name withheld.. the wrong place at the wrong time- for seemingly no good reason except a lack of proper calendar reading skills perhaps)..... Tonight I seemingly was at the right place and right time for some thought provoking ideas to churn my mind into some pretty deep thoughts... reasoning through ideas and notions... Of course, this time and place would be in my women studies class at school..... and Thank God, I was there and not in a wrong building somewhere as if I were a member of some sort of wandering tribes of collegiate nomads.... lost searching for food, warmth and shelter.. or whatever it is one such person might be searching for.
In my class we were assigned to read 5 different pieces out of a book called "The Woman That I Am".... A couple were poems... then the other 3 were short stories. These were heavy readings.... Coming of Age type of works... From girlhood to womanhood.... Complete with one of the stories being of a young girl who was convinced she was dying... that she had done something wrong.. unable to stop the blood that had begun flowing out from between her legs... Not sure what to do... afraid to consult her grandmother... the girl tried to freeze the blood from flowing by laying herself down in icecubes (this one made me want nothing but a HOT shower... just the idea made my insides shiver!)... She tried to bandage herself... Eventually, her grandmother accused her of having an illegal abortion..... This poor girl did not know what that was either... The grandmother had an expectation for her that the little girl would mess up like her own daughter had done years before. The grandmother resented her granddaughter... however... she seemingly wanted to reach out to her, yet not quite knowing how.....
The next story we had read was called Two Kinds... this was written by Amy Tan who had wrote "The Joy Luck Club"... Another story about expectations that a maternal figure had for her little girl. The mother being a Chinese immigrant had hopes and dreams her little girl could be anything in America.... A child prodigy she soon determined. The young girl began to fear disappointing that expectation.... The mother had become determined to make her a piano prodigy... and sacrificed hard work so that the young girl could take piano lessons. The girl rebelled of course.... tho deep inside the girl had really wanted to be that prodigy her mother always wanted her to be.... But the pressure of that gave way to fear, and the girl purposely gave up.. doing what seemed to be all but trying her best.
I know that you are wondering where is this going? The conversation in the classroom took many twists and turns... as we discussed the cold grandmother who seemed afraid of loving her grand daughter... perhaps because she was too busy... or too fearful of the outcome that love could bring.... To the mother who was warm and full of ambition for her daughter to live vicariously through her..... The last piece we discussed in class was Bell Hooks "The Home Place".. This story offered less of a struggle between mother and daughter... but accentuated the importance of having a safe, loving enviroment.. literally and figuratively... a place to call your homeplace.....
I had went on break just before discussion of "The Home Place"... on my way back from the bathroom I saw a familar face.... Staring at me in the hall was a person I had not seen in many years.... Tricina... known to me as a 12 year old as "Sis". I was looking into the eyes of my foster mom's birth daughter. Some people who are reading may be confused.... For brief explanation.... I was in foster care a couple of years ages 12-13.... details will come eventually... perhaps not too many as these thoughts are not really about that.... but talking with Tricina, I was surprised to realize how much I had grown up.... Sis always seemed soo much older than I.... but as we talked she said she was 33... I am 27 and it occured to me we were closer in age than I would have thought....
She filled me in on details.. like her brother Chance was married... Chance was two years older than me... She continued to share intimate details about Chance... telling me he was married. His wife already had a child from someone else, but Chance had just learned that he could not have children. She proceeded to tell me the doctor said it was from years of wearing his underwear too tight... running around in spandex... Chance had always been very athletic... and he dressed athletically so.
As I returned to class I was not thinking much at all.... till we began the conversation about Bell Hooks story. People in the class began to argue about women versus male roles... and one guy named David made some comments that caused my teacher(I am not kidding) to hiss at him while raising her hands to her head like a cat! As I thought about the opinions going around the room.. I began to ponder the nature versus nurture theories everyone was arguing about.
Suddenly, I began to think about my own beliefs... My own 'Home Place".... I never had experienced a great deal of stability... and I have been working hard to acquire this in my adult life.... The quest sometimes feels soo uphill... Suddenly my thoughts were with Tricina... and how nurture or lack of nurture has played a part in who I am.
I will have to come back and write about this more, but it is late.... and I must get to bed.... but it occurred to me that as I was driving home... perhaps all the things I wish for... all the things I reject as a woman that others consider rite of passage...or just part of the role of being a woman... that I had no Home Place that kept these things sacred... instead these things seemed to be pushed on me, while I did not see the beauty, the importance,the place or value of these things.... Hmmm... as I wrote that it reminds me of Ani singing in Pale Purple "rejecting outfits offered me, regretting things I have worn... while I was still playing roles, in order to fill holes in my conception of who I am....".... It seems the more I learn, the more my opinions change.. which is good.. that is what learning is for... but nights like tonight leave me a bit confused yet smiling... realizing I am really on my way to creating my own "Home Place".
